Open Letter to Tim Story

Dear Director of Fantastic Four,

As a hardworking Research Scientist/Artist myself, it is with great regret that I advise you to abandon your current career path. Your most recent effort, Fantastic Four, was a complete failure. Oh I wanted to enjoy your interpretation of this intriguing quartet's tale with critical abandon. I was willing to lose myself in the rippling abs and melon-like delts of the Human Torch and the alluring, sexy-but-demure Sue Storm -- but alas nothing in your piece of shit feature film came close to the compelling action or psycho-drama that emanated from the flimsy yet entertaining pages of the comics that your film ripped off referenced. At the same time, you managed to under exploit the only assets the cast had to offer (read: Alba's & Evans' physiques).

If I were Jessica Alba or Chris Evans, (I actually learned his name whilst writing this. Until now I referred to him as that well-built Human Torch bitchboy) I'd be pissed at you for dumping such a massive obstacle onto the path of my career trajectory. In other words: you did a fine classic comic book and some very pretty actors a serious disservice and your movie sucked balls (not the good kind).

Sincerely yours,
Ctrl-freak

PS - How come Dr. Reed's clothes stretched with him when he first learned of/used his supernatural power to save the fireman falling from the bridge when neither Invisible Girl or Human Torch's garments afforded them the same convenience? And what the hell upper body regimen was that Human Torch on during filming? He was ripped. Just askin'... -C.F