HyperConscious

Working again has, among other things, caused my brain to return to the state of being constantly "on" -- once again I find myself being extremely analytic and perhaps over-processing the things that come into my head.

My patience outside of work is shorter as a result. Which kind of sucks. People I speak with, drivers on the road, pedestrians crossing the street -- they do everything too slow.

I should hire a prostitute.
LOL. Kidding, I'm kidding. (I don't have the time.)

But more importantly, what's going on in the world out there? And I'm talking Lindney Spears-han wise. Not war stuff.

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Existential Angst Encapsulated in Chatspace

Working title - "Is There Anybody Out There?"

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120 Minutes of My Life I'll Never Get Back

With starting the new job, I was informed by my HR representative that I had 60 days to complete a recently mandated online course in Sexual Harassment. The thing was set up such that one had to spend 120 minutes taking the course, completing it in less time would result in..I dunno..a tear in the space/time continuum or something. Actually it meant you wouldn't be able to print out the certificate trumpeting one's wisdom and knowledge (and total repudiation) of Sexual Harassment in the workplace.

A colleague of mine went the extra mile and compiled this wonderful and moving document which he emailed to me upon day's end. All of the following were actually and seriously in the 'training' and do not reflect the opinions of this author. No embellishments have been added.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT TRAINING GREATEST HITS:

• Some actions like grabbing a colleague’s genitals, when no intimate relationship exists, are so offensive that they are presumed unwelcome.

• As they finish locking up, Heather pushes Antonio against the wall, kisses him and grabs his crotch. Shocked, Antonio pulls away and runs away from her. Does this conduct count as severe?
  

• Along with groping, viewing pornography and giving backrubs, it is also inappropriate to touch or spank your colleagues, either using your hand or an object. This is true even if the conduct is done in jest.

• A nurse was sexually harassed by an 84-year-old patient recovering from penile implant surgery. The patient hounded the nurse for sex and lied to others that they had slept together at a Motel 6. … [T]he harassment continued with the patient trying to run the nurse down in his electric scooter!

• "He has quite a personality! He always signs his emails with something risqué, like: 'Squeezes to ya, babe. Kiss kiss, the F-man.' Everyone in the department is calling him the 'e-mauler'!"

• Joyce recently sent an email asking her employees to rate the top three female celebrities they would "do" if they were lesbians.
  

• Anthony is having lunch when a supervisor from another department, Roger, comes up to him with a big grin. Roger says, "Hey, Anthony, you didn’t tell me about that girl-on-girl action going on in your department! That was hot!"

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I am Going to Try Very Hard

to not have this webspace become a repository of work-related horror stories, critiques, or complaints.

But I can't promise anything at this early stage.

Bear with me.
:(

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Monday Morning, 9am "Meetings"

with your new "supervisor" who was out of the office the second half of your first week on the job are bullshit.

But what do I know? I'm just the asshole who works here.

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Good Times

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Separated At Birth?

Am I the only one who thinks that Zac Effron, "star" of whatever High School Musical is, bears an uncanny resemblance to a sleestak?

See for yourself:

"It boi" Effron

Enik, from Land of the Lost

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The Morning After

I began a new job yesterday. My 9am meeting with HR was less painful then I anticipated (good). But I have 2 spend 2 days next week downtown at "corporate" for the mega-marathon of benefits and "worklife" seminars (bad). Those are the days where you are sitting with everyone else hired by the monolithic organization and watch video tapes about POS plans and 401K options.
But you have to love it when the head of HR snickers as he tells you that about the mandatory 2-hour online course on Sexual Harassment in the workplace. Or when, as an afterthought he slides you a document and mumbles, "oh yeah and here's the Drug Free thing...." as it were the most useless application of ink to paper ever.

I will say, the place is tight. My office was waiting for me (!) absolutely stripped bare but within an hour, I had a brand new phone installed with working #'s, a decent MacBookPro to toodle with, and a very comfy and highly adjustable deskchair to play with for the greater part of the hour. IT came by (more on them later) and showered me with the appropriate amount of derision and pity that is to be expected while they sorted me out with my email account, telcom stuff, computing requirements, etc. Oh, and unless you see someone standing naked, you can never be sure what their gender is. Proceed with caution when using 3rd person pronouns.

I have decided for this latest chapter of my employed life (sooo messed up), I'm going to be channeling 1 part Franklin Hart*, 1 part Pam from the Office (although I desperately want to walk around acting like Angela), and 1 part Jason Bourne. In all seriousness, I've landed a very decent gig and I'm quite fortunate and pleased to be working there. The pay is good, the people are smart, the work is interesting, there is a gym on site, and I may very well be able to ride a bike to work during the spring/summer months.

Some observations from a formerly retired young(ish) man:

1. Start a new job on a Friday. Trust me on this. Just do it.
   
2. There seems to be a law of physics manifest in an office between the hours from 2.30 - 4.30pm where time seems to stand still. I learned that this is a good time to sneak peeks at your coworkers iTunes Shared libraries over the network.
3. Working a regular (>40 hrs/wk) job is going to wreak havoc on my fitness and nutritional accomplishments. Case in point: I haven't worked out since Wednesday AND I ate a "burrito" for lunch yesterday with my colleagues [shudder]. Cut to me in 6 months driving one of those fatty-scooters into the building as my pendulous manbreasts slap against my abdomen. ew.
4. Starting a new job at 36 beats the hell out of starting a new job at say, 24. The latter is an idiot aside from being the noob on site regardless, where the former has been around the block long enough to figure most things out on his/her own and can walk in confidently with experience to assess whether the new environ is up to snuff.
5. I need music in my office. That is all.
6. I need a vacation.
   

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It's been a crazy busy week (omfg I saw Tegan & Sara perform Wed) and this post is all over the place but that's cause it's the wee hours Sat morning. I got home from work at like 6.30 !!>:(
last night and proceeded to knock back a couple glasses of champy before enjoying fine wines with (and after) dinner.


*If you don't get this reference, you are too young to be reading this. Go catch up on your classics.

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