If You Could Smell My Blog

Christmas came and went, New York was a nice time.
Santa's theme for me this year was 'Lux'. Now I smell really good.
I'd do me.

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Slamming into Christmas

I'm off to a holiday party I totally forgot about until about 2 hours ago. Got me haircut and am looking better then usual.
I wonder when I'm going to get to start shopping.

Seriously.

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Token Post Detailing a Shitty Monday

We've all been there, I've got nothing special here folks, so I'll just powerpoint the mess. A veritable checklist of sorts to ensure one's Monday rots:

• Wake up inappropriately hungover
• Remember personal trainer appointment made last week for 6.45am
• Drive to personal training appointment and ask yourself, "Am I still drunk.. What day is today?"
• Suffer through 60 minutes of plyometric conditioning
• Get stuck in traffic trying to dash home to shower for work
• Bring "breakfast" (protein powder mixed into yogurt with banana, blueberries, frozen mango) into the bathroom to chug while showering.
• Proceed to spill "breakfast" all over dresser top, portable DVD player, and DirectTV box
• Dash out to car to find it blocked by neighbor who pulled in behind me
• Try to schedule an afternoon of interviews with candidate you found through extensive (and embarrassing) digging through personal social networks (and clever thinking) for sometime later in the week, only to find out (via email) that said candidate is already scheduled for a day of interviews Wednesday with another group in the office.
• Work till 6pm; drive home and pull up to a block completely without power. TOTAL BLACKOUT.
• Find flashlight.
• Notice that across the street, the grid is on, obscene amounts of Christmas lights support this suspicion.
• Call Southern California Edison (Power company).
• Select 1 from the voice-menu to obtain an outage status report.
• Learn from recorded female voice that no outages have been reported.
• Select 2 to report an outage.
• Get connected with a human who inquires how she might be able to provide me with "excellent service this evening"
• Reply "Well, you could get my power back on! Haha!".
• Listen to silence.
• Become informed that, along with 13,000 other paying customers, power is out due to "squirrels".
• Proceed to give all personal information -- address, name, cell phone #.
• End call.*
• Begin yelling to BF about how that wasn't "excellent fucking service at all" since the expected amount of time till repair wasn't reported and the reasons are both lame and (fucking) necessary and that even GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR as the cause wouldn't help at all, continue cursing.
• Blanche as the cellphone crackes (in the dark), "Hello, I'm still on the line"
• Worry that power station customer service rep. will proceed to post on her blog an .mp3 of the recorded phone call, along with my name and telephone number, filing the post under "Total Asshole"
• Have mother call on cell just as the power goes back on, asking "How was your Monday?"

[End Scene]

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HyperConscious

Working again has, among other things, caused my brain to return to the state of being constantly "on" -- once again I find myself being extremely analytic and perhaps over-processing the things that come into my head.

My patience outside of work is shorter as a result. Which kind of sucks. People I speak with, drivers on the road, pedestrians crossing the street -- they do everything too slow.

I should hire a prostitute.
LOL. Kidding, I'm kidding. (I don't have the time.)

But more importantly, what's going on in the world out there? And I'm talking Lindney Spears-han wise. Not war stuff.

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Existential Angst Encapsulated in Chatspace

Working title - "Is There Anybody Out There?"

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120 Minutes of My Life I'll Never Get Back

With starting the new job, I was informed by my HR representative that I had 60 days to complete a recently mandated online course in Sexual Harassment. The thing was set up such that one had to spend 120 minutes taking the course, completing it in less time would result in..I dunno..a tear in the space/time continuum or something. Actually it meant you wouldn't be able to print out the certificate trumpeting one's wisdom and knowledge (and total repudiation) of Sexual Harassment in the workplace.

A colleague of mine went the extra mile and compiled this wonderful and moving document which he emailed to me upon day's end. All of the following were actually and seriously in the 'training' and do not reflect the opinions of this author. No embellishments have been added.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT TRAINING GREATEST HITS:

• Some actions like grabbing a colleague’s genitals, when no intimate relationship exists, are so offensive that they are presumed unwelcome.

• As they finish locking up, Heather pushes Antonio against the wall, kisses him and grabs his crotch. Shocked, Antonio pulls away and runs away from her. Does this conduct count as severe?
  

• Along with groping, viewing pornography and giving backrubs, it is also inappropriate to touch or spank your colleagues, either using your hand or an object. This is true even if the conduct is done in jest.

• A nurse was sexually harassed by an 84-year-old patient recovering from penile implant surgery. The patient hounded the nurse for sex and lied to others that they had slept together at a Motel 6. … [T]he harassment continued with the patient trying to run the nurse down in his electric scooter!

• "He has quite a personality! He always signs his emails with something risqué, like: 'Squeezes to ya, babe. Kiss kiss, the F-man.' Everyone in the department is calling him the 'e-mauler'!"

• Joyce recently sent an email asking her employees to rate the top three female celebrities they would "do" if they were lesbians.
  

• Anthony is having lunch when a supervisor from another department, Roger, comes up to him with a big grin. Roger says, "Hey, Anthony, you didn’t tell me about that girl-on-girl action going on in your department! That was hot!"

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I am Going to Try Very Hard

to not have this webspace become a repository of work-related horror stories, critiques, or complaints.

But I can't promise anything at this early stage.

Bear with me.
:(

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Monday Morning, 9am "Meetings"

with your new "supervisor" who was out of the office the second half of your first week on the job are bullshit.

But what do I know? I'm just the asshole who works here.

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Good Times

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Separated At Birth?

Am I the only one who thinks that Zac Effron, "star" of whatever High School Musical is, bears an uncanny resemblance to a sleestak?

See for yourself:

"It boi" Effron

Enik, from Land of the Lost

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The Morning After

I began a new job yesterday. My 9am meeting with HR was less painful then I anticipated (good). But I have 2 spend 2 days next week downtown at "corporate" for the mega-marathon of benefits and "worklife" seminars (bad). Those are the days where you are sitting with everyone else hired by the monolithic organization and watch video tapes about POS plans and 401K options.
But you have to love it when the head of HR snickers as he tells you that about the mandatory 2-hour online course on Sexual Harassment in the workplace. Or when, as an afterthought he slides you a document and mumbles, "oh yeah and here's the Drug Free thing...." as it were the most useless application of ink to paper ever.

I will say, the place is tight. My office was waiting for me (!) absolutely stripped bare but within an hour, I had a brand new phone installed with working #'s, a decent MacBookPro to toodle with, and a very comfy and highly adjustable deskchair to play with for the greater part of the hour. IT came by (more on them later) and showered me with the appropriate amount of derision and pity that is to be expected while they sorted me out with my email account, telcom stuff, computing requirements, etc. Oh, and unless you see someone standing naked, you can never be sure what their gender is. Proceed with caution when using 3rd person pronouns.

I have decided for this latest chapter of my employed life (sooo messed up), I'm going to be channeling 1 part Franklin Hart*, 1 part Pam from the Office (although I desperately want to walk around acting like Angela), and 1 part Jason Bourne. In all seriousness, I've landed a very decent gig and I'm quite fortunate and pleased to be working there. The pay is good, the people are smart, the work is interesting, there is a gym on site, and I may very well be able to ride a bike to work during the spring/summer months.

Some observations from a formerly retired young(ish) man:

1. Start a new job on a Friday. Trust me on this. Just do it.
   
2. There seems to be a law of physics manifest in an office between the hours from 2.30 - 4.30pm where time seems to stand still. I learned that this is a good time to sneak peeks at your coworkers iTunes Shared libraries over the network.
3. Working a regular (>40 hrs/wk) job is going to wreak havoc on my fitness and nutritional accomplishments. Case in point: I haven't worked out since Wednesday AND I ate a "burrito" for lunch yesterday with my colleagues [shudder]. Cut to me in 6 months driving one of those fatty-scooters into the building as my pendulous manbreasts slap against my abdomen. ew.
4. Starting a new job at 36 beats the hell out of starting a new job at say, 24. The latter is an idiot aside from being the noob on site regardless, where the former has been around the block long enough to figure most things out on his/her own and can walk in confidently with experience to assess whether the new environ is up to snuff.
5. I need music in my office. That is all.
6. I need a vacation.
   

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It's been a crazy busy week (omfg I saw Tegan & Sara perform Wed) and this post is all over the place but that's cause it's the wee hours Sat morning. I got home from work at like 6.30 !!>:(
last night and proceeded to knock back a couple glasses of champy before enjoying fine wines with (and after) dinner.


*If you don't get this reference, you are too young to be reading this. Go catch up on your classics.

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On the Up & Up

I start my new job on Friday morning. At 9am. Meeting with HR. (gag)

But not before I ride the Pacific Surfliner from Union Station in LA to Santa Barbara to SEE TEGAN & SARA, bitches!!

That's right. I shall be enjoying the show tomorrow night in Santa Barbara, which apparently is quite the place on Halloween. Whatever.

Then I sell a piece of my soul and begin regular, contracted employment on Friday.
Then it's Saturday.

Well played, ctrl-freak. Well played.

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Mission :: Accomplished :: Employment Secured

Things have picked up quite a bit over the past couple of weeks. I began cutting down/quitting smoking which resulted in increased exercise. I also got word that I got the job I've been pining for for some time now, so lots of change afoot. I was offered more then the position posted, and found out that I came in under the wire to beat out the candidate(s) that had essentially been selected. This has been one instance where patience has paid off for me. (Read: this is one of the rare instances where I have displayed patience, only to find it be rewarded.)

I got this in the mail and assembled it. (Well, my stoner neighbor assembled the second half of it while I washed dishes and prepped dinner). It's funny -- now I have 2 synthetic, but reusable holiday decorations: a blow-up Christmas tree and a Lego pumpkin. What does this mean? I also think I am hosting a pumpkin carving mashup on Sunday. Need to pull that together.

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Music :: I Love Tegan & Sara

Initially, for their hair.

Now it's because every single track on their album, "The Con" is good. Very good. I want to go out and get sleazy mullet so bad but I went and got this legit job so it might be a bad idea.

Seriously, this is a good album. And these girls are hot.

Update: Just found out I have tickets to their show up in Santa Barbara, the night before I am supposed to start my new job. Ruh-roh.

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Music :: What I'm Currently Abusing

The Editors, Smokers Outside the Hospital Doors

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When Awesomeness Implodes Upon Itself

This show, along with Wonderama, was awesome. Sunday morning fare.

Proof:

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Employment :: The Saga Continues Yet

Hm. I just got (and responded to) an email from the place I've now had 3 different interviews with, asking if I would be available tomorrow morning for a phone call.

I replied in the affirmative.

What does this mean? It's so mysterious. I need a Scooby Snack.

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Employment :: Ongoing Saga

After seeing Blade Runner: Final Cut this morning in a super pimped movie theater in Westwood (? like I even know what that means or where it is), I went to this weird, old-school burger joint, Apple Pan's for lunch. It was then that I checked my missed calls and voice mail. It seems I missed a call the day before from someone at the place I've already interviewed TWICE with for a job. I already had a phone interview with the caller weeks back when I was in for an afternoon of marathon interviews with random people. He was out of state that day but we did speak for a good 20 minutes on the phone.

I assumed that since it was he calling, I was going to be told that unfortunately" they would be going 'with someone else' or that they opted to 'take a pass' or whatever and the woman with whom I had met twice already relegated this guy (who had never met me) to deliver the bad news.

Wrong.

It turns out that he was in town for the weekend (an ever increasing rarity) and wanted to know if I might be able to drop in and meet during the weekend. I told him I'd call him back after checking with my assorted weekend obligations. Precisely 17 minutes later, I called him to say I could swing by in just a little over an hour. I proceed to change my clothing and "refresh" (which in this instance required a complete head-under-shower hair restyle) then jumped in das Auto and headed out.

I'm somewhat confused. ["What would I say is my greatest weakness with regard to my professional life, Tom*? Haha, well I'm glad you asked. That's easy: I work too hard."]

Does this mean I'm going to get an offer or that they want to make sure that they are going to decline the right candidate (me)?

Any information you may be able to provide would be most appreciated. Have a nice day and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best Regards,
ctrl-freak

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It's Official :: I Need a Permit

For mah guns.

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All Time Best Movie Moments Ever

Meet Hannibal Chew. He just does eyes.

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