Happy Birthday!

You know who you are.

And no¹, it's not you Fatty Arbuckle,
or Steve McQueen, (though he's so badass I'll wish him a happy birthday anyway)
or Harry Houdini,
or Annabella Sciorra,

¹ All born on March 24.

What's with Spam & 'Replicas'?

So Donald Burkett assures me that 'every chick will be mine' and inquires:

Do you want a high quality replica?

In our online store you can buy replicas of Rolex watches and
other brands. They look and feel exactly like the real thing.

- We have 20+ different brands in our selection
- Buy 2 watches and save 25% on both watches
- Save up to 40% compared to the cost of other replicas
- Standard Features:
 * Screw-in crown
 * Unidirectional turning bezel where appropriate
 * All the appropriate rolex logos, on crown and dial
 * Heavy weight

I'll pass.

Told You So

Interesting that this study came out of Germany, where they are famous for their upbeat, warm, & friendly disposition. I wouldn't have expected them to come to such a conclusion. The Japanese or the British perhaps..

No but seriously, I've been trying to convince people close to me that 'expressing' can be vital to one's sanity. Now science is backing me up. Go out there an be totally brutally honest bitches, y'alls. You'll live longer.

I H8 U 2

Ew. This is nauseating.

I hope people egg the driver.

I Could Be Sitting Next to a Fax Machine

Well today has been one of the more productive days as of late.
A 30 minute walk along the beach to get a mediocre haircut followed by lunch outside, and then a cover letter and resume were sent off.

I'm a bit uncertain that anything will pan out as a result, for when I phoned the office this morning to try to get more information about who would be reading my letter (thereby informing me of whom to address and follow up with) I got this answer from the receptionist:
"Just fax it to me, er.. well the fax number.. and I'll make sure it gets to the right person. Actually, I don't know who posted that job so..mm... I don't really know who gets it yet, but fax it to the me. I sit right next to the fax machine."

So yeah. I should be all set. This time next week I could be gainfully employed if that receptionist finds out who to give my letter to. Um, yeah.
[Actually, I better not be, since that would totally clash with my birthday plans to go to the desert.]

bIRTHDAY tEETH

"Since it iiiis a deep tissue cleaning, we're going to have to schedule you 2 appointments: first the left-side upper & lower, followed by a separate appointment for the right-side."

My head reels as I look down to the chart open between this woman and me. Wouldn't my mouth feel weird in the interim between having the first side cleaned & the second? On the chart there were 2 very dark multi-scratched Xs over two particular teeth in the back. The phrase 'deep tissue' and what that meant teethwise had tricked me up. (I know in massage speak that shit hurts days after and actually left me bruised in one instance.) Apparently my mouth is in such horrendous shape that before we can even get to any "reparative" work, I've got to have 2 separate deep tissue cleanings for the left and right side of my mouth. Then - and only then - can we embark on what the dentist clinically referred to as"getting things back together in there".

After that, I'm getting 2 teeth replaced with crowns.
And it sounds really unpleasant. I'm bummed. I'll go over the finer points here and now for you.

First, they "grind" the offending tooth/teeth down to like a little stick or grain of rice. Then they put a temporary "crown" (hello euphamism, how about "torture-stump cap") on the stick/rice tooth and I wait 2 weeks for them to create the final tooth "in a lab". No joke. At this point I seriously all but checked out unconscious right there, but held it together by scanning the reception counter for the bowl of dum-dums (like at my dermatologist's none here at the dentist, duh) and clamped onto the reception desk to stay standing. I assume I was told what happens with the FrankenTooth from the lab and my rice tooth stump, how they are chemcially fused..no amalged together, but I don't recall that information. We'll cross that bridge (haha, bridge, get it?) when we come to it, won't we?

Suffice to say, I am freaking out at the thought of having my natural teeth ground down for fakes. I feel old. Not like mid life old, but like decrepit, indigent old. And this all on the cusp of my 35th birthday. (I swear, I probably look like a young 29.)

It literally, is like a nightmare. Well, except it's day and I'm not asleep, but the teeth torture part.

Oh and a word of advice -- don't ever Google-image (nice verb) a dental procedure you are scheduled to undergo.

Marketing Weirdness - Halitosis for the Hip?

This is indeed weird. It reminds me of the sort of thing we'd make in grad school but then we'd justify it as an exploration of non-linear narrative that aims to unpack the sense of play that is lost from childhood. Or something.

It's actually a mini campaign for gum. [via AdRants]

Spring is Here

A rare instance of fashion photography getting it right.
[via Boing Boing]

Ugh, Hello My Name Is

Dear Dreaded Introduction letter [a.k.a The Request for an Information Interview Letter].

My name is obviously the one that my email address indicates at the top of this letter, and my enclosed resume will feature anything that may grab your attention long enough to even care what I'm writing, so I'll get right to the point. I came across your firm while half-assedly searching the web under the keywords "jobs" "local area" "multimedia". The other tabs open in my browser while I was loading your page in the background were Gawker, the New York Times, Gmail, and Gizmodo.

I have a graduate degree from a semi-unknown program at an impressive institution in an ill-named field with a vague description. My work experience is impressive as well -- I've worked in Japan, then in NYC for a foreign government, and also at previously mentioned impressive institution in a very geeky technical graphics lab, but that too can be culled from the enclosed resume.

I've moved from NYC to SoCal and know nothing about the industry here while having absolutely no connections. For that reason, I'm trying to find out more. Your firm appears to be as off the beaten path as my skills and history are, making us a great match! I'll refer you to a web link that will show a video of one of my more recent projects. It will probably confuse or repel you, so feel free to contact me for more information.

Oh, and if I haven't been clear up until now, I'll ask you straight out - would you or one of your colleagues be willing and/or able (I'll take 1) to meet with me and talk about what you do and how a candidate like me might be able to gain entry to the field?

I probably won't follow up with this because my low self esteem will bring me to believe that if I were worth it, you'd contact me, but I'll say that I will anyway. Hopefully, the threat of being contacted by a stranger will compel you to take the proactive step of shutting me down first.

I look forward to hearing from you and genuinely appreciate your time in this matter.
Have a nice day.

Best Regards,
Ctrl-freak

Useful, Clever Design

This shelf, called '72 degrees'* contains a hidden under compartment for hiding things.
It can only be opened with a ring/key that the owner wears.

I want one.

* Haha, more cleverness on the designers' part - 72 degrees is the angle of the average (?) erection and the degree to which the under-compartment opens.

And Just Because I Can Once Again Upload Images

Charles Atlas

Proof That The Universe is Fair

Hahahaha, this is hysterical. Britney Spears got 'poked' with a hyperdermic needle when she was walking around a parking lot barefoot. [The Superficial]

Stupid cow can't even contract an infectious disease the way a true rockstar would.

Warm Weather & All It Brings

Aah, the warmth has returned to southern coastal California (and just in time too, it's been like below 60 for the past three days) and with it a renewed sense of optimism.

I've renewed my commitments to exercise regularly and I am HELL BENT on finally quitting smoking cigarettes once and for all as my midlife birthday approaches.

In other news, with Project Runway done for the season, I guess I'll go back to reading books and watching movies.

Whoa, wait, what's with all the intersex/trans going on in the above?

And can someone please explain to my why I am no longer able to include images in my posts? I know it's cause the blogger software sucks but I'm looking for more specific information.

Yeah, Um I Definitely Don't Need This

An application that

"...Reminds you at regular intervals, to, well, take some time out from your computing"

Dan Frakes, Senior Writer, Macworld

This PC user doesn't have that problem.

Sometimes Real Life is Better than Photoshop

If only.

Scary bastard

I'd Like to Speak to the Manger of your Pubic Relations Department

Are you a detail oriented person?

You're not if you didn't notice the punctuation mistake in that sentence or the two most common spelling errors on resumes in the title..

HAHA GOTCHA!

You see, I am a detail-oriented individual. So much so, that I had to consult references to learn the difference between 'analytic' & 'analytical' (none for my purposes) and when to use a hyphen for compound adjectives (when the noun they modify follows).

Writing unsolicited formal business letters sort of sucks.

But the learning never ends here, y'alls.
Snacktime.

Been a little pessimistic here at HQ

So, once again, I present some internets morsels that won't bring you down.

• Geisha Asobi blog - completely 'Japanese' in it's commendable efforts; weird, random links to cute or disturbing things.

• Overheard in NY - and why I love my gays

• When craft goes awry - DIY automobile registration [Tote Bags & Fanny Packs via Boing Boing]

• Pac-Man LEDs on bicycle wheels. [via ladyyada's ranting]

That's enough for now.

Agent Noneck, can you help our Faith Based Organization with this weekend's Bake Sale (pending approval by the Dept. of Homeland Security, of course)?

Hahaha..

Worst. Oscars. Ever.
Seriously, it was a crash and burn in my book. Get it? Crash?! Haha.

Wait -- wrong post, I meant

Worst. President. Ever.
And that's not my opinion, friend, that the vox populii, yo!
Jesus, can I get some of what the 40%-who-do-approve group is smoking? (For my glaucoma. Really.) That is some seriously enviable denial. I may go so far as to accuse those 40% of disassociating with reality, but I can't really say I blame them at this point. It's an understandable escape.

Anywaaaay, what has our little 'leader' [cue trace amounts of vomit into mouth] gone and done now? It seems he's calling for the Department of Homeland Security to coordinate the expansion of faith-based organizations. (Yes, that's newspeak for religion.)

I can't think of a better governmental body to be involved with the expansion of religious-based groups in this country than the Dept. of Homeland Security.

Let's not paraphrase, let's go right to the source
[cue trumpets]

By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, and in order to help the Federal Government coordinate a national effort to expand opportunities for faith-based and other community organizations and to strengthen their capacity to better meet America's social and community needs, it is hereby ordered as follows:

Blah blah blah blah Christianity state religion Blah blah blah everyone else go fuck off blah blah blah and we will be monitoring your activities blah blah blah and don't even think about it blah blah blah cause we'll haul your suspicious ass in and keep you for questioning blah blah blah until you are forgotten and rot away. Blah blah blah.

Jesus! Er..um, I mean..Symbolic Leader of a Faith-based Organization!

I'm going to go overdose on Cute Overload! now.

Well, Johnny, these used to be completely different streets.
They used to have a pretty decent divider between them.
After the president came, he sort of bulldozed it into one huge highway..And yes, those potholes are a bitch, Johnny.
Keep running. They may catch us.

-from the ongoing imaginary dialogue I have with my newborn nephew once he's grown up.

Damn

Pat Tillman, former professional football player, was shot to death by fellow soldiers in Afghanistan in what previous Army reviews had concluded was an accidental shooting.

News story here via MyWay

update: more damn!

Great Design

I love it when someone puts something out that is useful, innovative, & somewhat common sense-driven.

This is one of those things. As often, Boing Boing is the source.

I want one of these

A Tw'ice bucket for champs.


[via Cool Hunting]

Anime

Just cause I feels like it

Blogger SUCKS

File under: obvious.

image uploading is always a 50/50 gamble at best

Sorry

I'm sorry that this video is so appropriate & I'm sorry that it's probably been sent around/posted on every site you've already hit today.

But I'm also sorry about the sad state of affairs re: our 'leader' & the fact that public American political discourse these days is often reduced to viral montage videos with catchy soundtracks and stark contrasting images.

Ooh, lookit me, all uppity this morning.

I'll chill.

How does a person develop 'patience'?

Patience (Pa"tience) (?), n.
[F. patience, fr. L. patientia. See Patient.]

1. The state or quality of being patient; the power of suffering with fortitude; uncomplaining endurance of evils or wrongs, as toil, pain, poverty, insult, oppression, calamity, etc. "Strenthened with all might, . . . unto all patience and long-suffering." Col. i. 11. "I must have patience to endure the load." Shak. "Who hath learned lowliness From his Lord's cradle, patience from his cross." Keble.

Synonyms -- Patience, Resignation. Patience implies the quietness or self-possession of one's own spirit under sufferings, provocations, etc.; resignation implies submission to the will of another. The Stoic may have patience; the Christian should have both patience and resignation.


And can someone remind me why "suffering with fortitude" is a virtue to begin with?
Anyone?

Why o why when I am bored

does the internet suck and no one updates their blogs?

Hmm..What to do?

I should

1. Finalize the edits to my resume and send it out to (2) parties for review.
2. Go running.
3. Bathe.
4. Add content to the online portfolio I'm supposed to be working on.
5. Buy new underwear (online).
   

Instead, I will

1. Continue wasting time by reading/watching (is there a verb for 'internetting'?) cool things like this, useless things like this, and mean things like this.
2. Constantly refresh the 3 email clients I currently have open in the hopes that some correspondence has been pushed through.
3. Go for a walk down to the pier.
4. Try to figure out where to get good underwear..Anyone?
   

Anne Coulter - a living joke

And by joke, I mean idiot.

Anne Coulter is a cobag.

Yes, Anne there's room in the plot for your skeletal frame. Jump in.

Ms. Coulter recently made an 'appearance' at Indiana State University where she was paid to give another one of her batshit rants. Always the paragon of tact & grace, she spewed a number of gems, employing the common (but pathetic) rhetorical device of attacking one's questioner on grounds unrelated to the subject at hand:

One comment that drew strong audience reactions came from a young man who asked her if she didn't like Democrats, wouldn't it just be better to have a dictatorship? Coulter responded with a jab at the way the student talked.

"You don't want the Republicans in power, does that mean you want a dictatorship, gay boy?" she said.

[Clap, clap] Well played, Anne, well played. Restate the question incorrectly, then punctuate your statement with a slur! He's probably a big faggot anyway, Anne. I mean, he must be if he doesn't like you. What red-blooded American male wouldn't want to stuff it into a beauty like you?

Heels &white-tshirt? Check. Porch? Check. Gun. Check.
Come and git it!!

This is somewhat of a relief, however:

IU College Republicans President Shane Kennedy defended Coulter's comments by stressing that the speech was for entertainment and attendees should have expected Coulter to say controversial comments.

A regular Dice Clay, she is.
Some more retina searing imagery for you:

Anne in her early years as a working girl. Having moved up from the streets, the university is her new john.
Different venue, same self-loathing, emptiness, & shame.

And one more for you - cause it's "entertainment" & I'm mean like that:

You go, girl! Black pleather - an appropriate choice for the Hill.

Unintelligent, unattractive, and having a proclivity for prattle is no way to go through life, Anne. Perhaps Anne Coulter¹ needs to take some guidance from our Charming Belles?



¹I intentionally repeated the Beast's name in hopes that a search engine might pick up on the terms "cobag", "idiot", "Coulter", and "Dice Clay".

Well at least I surround myself with beautiful things.

Owch.

File under: Unnerving but Useful.

"Clean Sweep Program is a checklist of 100 items which, when completed, give one complete personal freedom. These 100 items are grouped in 4 areas of life with 25 in each group: Physical Environment, Well-being, Money and Relationships. These 4 areas are the cornerstone for a strong and healthy life and the program helps a person to clean up, restore and polish virtually every aspect of his/her life. The program takes between 6 - 24 months to complete."

Also from the site:

Scoring:
Add your totals from the four sections. Initial scores for the first-time participant range, on average, between 30 - 70 points out of the 100 points possible. Most people who are "using" the program increase their scores between 2 and 6 points per month. Points are added more quickly at first, slowing down significantly after one has added 20 or so points. Major plateau areas are at 70-75, 85-90 and 95-100. Those last 5 or 10 are the ones which are most worth taking care of, given our egos are well entrenched among these incompletions. You want to take this program on with the intention of getting a 100.

...
I scored a fucking 34. What's funny (not haha funny but rather odd) is that I felt really good and content while going through the list. I sort of expected I'd come out on top.

Huh. Funny how that happens. I'm going to look into this further.

Clearing

Remember when screensavers were all scene & shit? Like back in the 80's & 90's?

Well, in an effort to wipe away some of the mental detritus spewed forth here this past week, I offer you Holding Pattern - a "cinematic a screensaver" of the view out an airplane.

via Lifehacker

Did she say "Crayola Skies"?

Yesterday I woke up on the proverbial wrong side of the bed (wouldn't that be the bottom side?) and basically spent the whole day workshopping it to no avail. The state of affairs in the world, the media, the excesses of capitalism,

corporate whore

unemployment, and boredom all spent the day running around my psyco-social playground, beating the shit out of each other.

This is how I felt inside.

Things picked up late in the evening after having a much needed catch-up chat with an old friend from New York and a visit from Friendly Neighbor who not only brought some desperately needed Pilsner Urquells but also the ganj, if you know what I mean.
Hell, I even watched Spinal Tap in an effort to fight the blues.

[Cut to Saturday Morning]

Wake up, feeling much better. I guess I steht auf on the correct side of the bed or something.
I sit down and rather than feed my head with all the aforementioned, I try to conjure up a mental image (a visualization, if you will) of something light, positive, and optimistic.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I present to you, Charming Belles.

Upon hitting this site the senses are assaulted. A guitar sounds. A raspy, folksy song begins as the poorly designed Flash splash page loads.

The song that plays is amazing! [note: apparently this track is featured on the "Uptown Girls" soundtrack which I don't currently have in my collection.]

I have to print the lyrics in their entirety:
It's a charmed life
Innocence wild
Crayola skies for a thousand miles
It's a good life in the happily ever after
Last page of a very last chapter
It's the story of a charmed life
It's a charmed life
Unexplainable grace
Stumbling, you fall right into place
It's a childlike world and you can feel the magic
Far from the typically tragic
That's the beauty of a charmed life

Who needs to know
When it all comes and when it all goes
Who needs to know just when
Fate will take you there

It's a charmed life
Innocence wild
Crayola skies for a thousand miles
It's a good life in the happily ever after
Last page of a very last chapter
It's the story of a charmed life

Na na na...
Na na na...

Who needs to know
When it all comes and when it all goes
Who needs to know just when
I know you'll be there (I know you'll be there)

It's a charmed life
Innoncence wild
Crayola Skies for a thousand miles
It's a good life in the happily ever after
Last page of a very last chapter
It's the story of a charmed life
Na na na...

(It's the story of a charmed life)

Na na na...

(It's the beauty of a charmed life)

Na na na...

(It's the story of a charmed life)

Na na na...

(It's the beauty of a charmed life)

Na na na...
Na na na...

Just check out all these talented (?!) young ladies. Headed for stardom, they are.

The anime-eyes make me forget all about the evils in the world.




















I wonder what their moms look like.

Thank you Charming Belles, for making me forget all about the bad stuff and for keeping me focused on what's real and important. Thank you.

A Spoonful of Ginger, per the doc's orders

So yeah, a good friend passed along this book as gift.
I've been relying on it with a marked frequency.

This evening's dish can be found on page 62, "Baked Fish Packages with Wild Mushroom Sauce", and includes 2 tsps. of minced ginger on the filets of sole. Sides of steamed brown rice & garlic sautéed spinach accompany.

I feel healthier just describing it.

Thanks, doc.

Let me adjust the elastic waistband in my mom-jeans

and then sing the praises of Netflix. I love Netflix.

Guess the Catalog This Came From

Scanners are fun.

I'm working on a post chock full of freakiness

but it's taking longer than i expected
so here's a teaser:
Yep. That's what I'm talkin about.

Astute Celebrity Analogy

[click above - From the Middle of the Night blog]

I just can't wait for Cruise to pack up, flee to the middle east, and don a burkha.
Seriously.

Finally! Sleepingbag pants (and top)

I know this is 'played' on the Internets (and by played I mean like uh week old), but I've been dreaming of having one of these for years now. Now that I've moved out of New York I don't really need it, but it looks so comfortable, even if idiotic.




Earlier: I'm glad I don't own one of these

Plugs, Outlets

Not these kinds

clever, no?

But rather these:

A couple of my friends have a very nice streaming radio station, Telephone Music.

Everytime I open the stream, I hear chill beats and the occasional weird experimental stuff - usually an umlaut or two. It's definitely fresh and worth a hit. Check it out. [will open automatically in iTunes when you click on the title 'capsule' on the page]

How I Live My Life According to the Internets

This is deep kids. Put your contemplative caps on.

How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. Your friends tend to be a as quirky as you are - which is saying a lot! You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Inspired by the Doctor.

Fug, no

John Galliano, this is nasty. Plain & simple. No amount of fitness on the part of your model can save this dumb tragedy. Legwarmers on the forearms and knitted leggings socks as a scarf?
I don't think so.

Lay off the dust bro.

More at Hang Ten

Cooking using Mobile Phones

I hope this is some sort of joke.

Ma, I gotta go we've been on the phone
for like half and hour & my head hurts.

I can't decide

which one of these would look better on me. I mean, they're both awesome for a formal event, but now that I'm in SoCal, I guess the fur might be a bit much.




Thanks International Male for staying in business.

Cute is the new black afterall, I guess

Why am I so addicted to this?
Perhaps because of the dark times we're living in.
Whatever. I'm hooked.

Timesuck - Design Your Own Tartan Plaid

I spent way too much time on this this morning. You choose the color threads you want, then how much of each color, and BAM! - you end up with your own, proprietary plaid.
Here's my first:

via Boing Boing

I realize that last post was a bit pessimistic

so I balance it with this:

from Cute Overload! ;)

Politics: Bush 2007 budget quietly omits impact of policies on deficit

This requires a Java-enabled browser.

We, collectively, are going to be so screwed if we make it through the next 1077 days.

From the Raw Story

President George W. Bush's fiscal year 2007 budget quietly omits a table included in previous years which lays out the impact of the Administration's proposed policies on the deficit, RAW STORY has learned.

The missing table was first discovered by the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities. Its omission -- a single table among thousands and thousands of pages that follow a standard format each year -- likely signals that the Administration is trying to keep the focus off the massive deficits which the United States will incur after 2010.

Icons

Some of you might remember this lady:

Stoically wielding the toilet brush.

I found her a mate.

He owes, he owes..

Both hardworking. Both distinct.

Latest Track I'm Abusing: Postal Service

Screencap from Postal Service's video, "Such Great Heights"*

Apparently Apple ripped off this very nice video by re-creating it almost shot-by-shot, which is a shame and further testament to the fact that Apple/iTunes/iWhatever is catching up with it's nasty nemesis Microsoft.

*The video is an .m4v ready to be dropped onto an ipod. You're welcome.
And before any record company bullshit is called, as a result of this video I went out and purchased the band's CD.

Welcome to the world J.D.

born 1/31/2006

Welcome to the party.
Looove your hair.

Good luck. You'll need it. (although a lucrative baby modeling contract should be thrown your way)

Cheers lad, as you embark on this journey, may you encounter wisdom and fun.
I hope as your Funcle© that I can be there for a lot of it.