bIRTHDAY tEETH

"Since it iiiis a deep tissue cleaning, we're going to have to schedule you 2 appointments: first the left-side upper & lower, followed by a separate appointment for the right-side."

My head reels as I look down to the chart open between this woman and me. Wouldn't my mouth feel weird in the interim between having the first side cleaned & the second? On the chart there were 2 very dark multi-scratched Xs over two particular teeth in the back. The phrase 'deep tissue' and what that meant teethwise had tricked me up. (I know in massage speak that shit hurts days after and actually left me bruised in one instance.) Apparently my mouth is in such horrendous shape that before we can even get to any "reparative" work, I've got to have 2 separate deep tissue cleanings for the left and right side of my mouth. Then - and only then - can we embark on what the dentist clinically referred to as"getting things back together in there".

After that, I'm getting 2 teeth replaced with crowns.
And it sounds really unpleasant. I'm bummed. I'll go over the finer points here and now for you.

First, they "grind" the offending tooth/teeth down to like a little stick or grain of rice. Then they put a temporary "crown" (hello euphamism, how about "torture-stump cap") on the stick/rice tooth and I wait 2 weeks for them to create the final tooth "in a lab". No joke. At this point I seriously all but checked out unconscious right there, but held it together by scanning the reception counter for the bowl of dum-dums (like at my dermatologist's none here at the dentist, duh) and clamped onto the reception desk to stay standing. I assume I was told what happens with the FrankenTooth from the lab and my rice tooth stump, how they are chemcially fused..no amalged together, but I don't recall that information. We'll cross that bridge (haha, bridge, get it?) when we come to it, won't we?

Suffice to say, I am freaking out at the thought of having my natural teeth ground down for fakes. I feel old. Not like mid life old, but like decrepit, indigent old. And this all on the cusp of my 35th birthday. (I swear, I probably look like a young 29.)

It literally, is like a nightmare. Well, except it's day and I'm not asleep, but the teeth torture part.

Oh and a word of advice -- don't ever Google-image (nice verb) a dental procedure you are scheduled to undergo.